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Growing up I never had anyone to really show me the Lord, or give me a chance to see all that He could do for me. My mom was never around, from what I understand she left us when i was a baby, but my dad never talks about it. I lived with my dad moving from town to town, never knowing where we were going to settle at. Although I lived with my dad I never saw much of him, and that just led to my conclusion that he didnt care about me. A few years later I was able to see my mom again. She had turned into a crack addict, so she didnt have that good of an influence over me. At times I would stay the weekend with my mom at her apartment, only to wake up in the middle of the night scared and alone. Physically my dad never beat me, but verbally it was like torture. It was like walking on egg shells around him, if I soo much as breathed the wrong way around him he would get in my face and scream at me until i broke down and cried. He would leave me alone for awhile, just long enough for me to dry my tears, then he would come back in for another round. It was like a neverending cycle, and i was so sick of the repetition that I just wanted to end it for myself. I honestly didnt want to live anymore. By the age of 12 I had attempted suicide a numerous amount of times. By the age of 13 I started hanging around gangs. First I hung out with a bunch of older guys from the 18st gang, until I was raped me a supposed homeboy. I couldnt believe someone I had trusted would take away my virginity like that. But I figured if it was no longer special why not just give it up more. Once I was in 8th grade I thought I had met my best friend.We always hung out together. He was the one who introdueced me to the rest of the surenos from 13. I started hanging out with them everyday, wanting so badly to fit in with them. On halloween I thought I had finally figured out where I belonged when I got jumped into their gang. Being the first and only girl I had to get my ass kicked my three guys at once. These vatos were huge! I threw up nothing but blood for like 2 days, i was so sore. I couldnt even move without cringing in pain. To prove myself I got mi tres punots, or my three dots. It was supposed to be a symbol of my crazy life, but it is now a symbol of shame for me. Before i would dress from head to toe in blue, throw trece to anyone and everyone, and I was so pround of my 3 dots. they were like my babies, now it just embarasses me. Pretty soon I was sneaking my dad's tequila bottles, adding water so he wouldnt notice how much i took. I would skip school on a daily basis just to go get high. Soon i was introduced to pills. I was hooked from the start. It wasnt until I almost overdosed taht i realized the harm they were doing to my body. All my good grades turned to F's, i got dropped from almost all my classes because of poor attendance, and I was no longer my daddys little girl. Instead of being his pride and joy i just embarassed him. I felt like i had truly hit my rock bottom. After getting kickec out of my house I finally listened to my cousin and went to chursh with her. I didnt expext to liek it, I just thought it would be a good way to meet hot guys who would treat me good. From the moment I walked in and saw the hugs everyone gave my cousin, or the way that everyone reached out to each other I knew why my life had felt so empty. I needed love like this, and never before did I ever want anything as bad as I wanted that right then. Sure getting high would take away my pain and leave me happy, but that is only until I would come down. Then my life would be just as empty as it was before. From the moment that the pastor had started his sermon I felt like it was directed at me. When he made his Altar call I was one of the first people down there on my knees. I let years of pain, anger, and resentment drip out of me as my tears fell onto the Altar. I felt so much better. If I would have known that being saved would feel this good I would have done it years ag. I cant go back and change yesterday, but I can look forward tomorrow. Its such a relief to know that I dont have to face it alone anymore, now I have the Lord on my side. I wasted way too many years being lost. Mariposa |