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Female Rappers - Mizz Dana
Check out Mizz Dana at: MySpace
I've written my testimony out before. But I left certain things out. I was still ashamed of some things I guess. I let fear hinder me. We go through certain seasons in life. Now is my season to let it all out. To let myself be vulnerable. If one hurting soul can be given hope because of this, who cares about any negative feedback I may get: My earliest memories are full of humiliation, confusion, rejection and anger. When I was 5 we moved to Manteca, CA to from the bay area. It was a very big change. At such an early age I didn't understand why the people were so different. Later I realized that it was a neighborhood heavily infested with meth. The kids knew way too much and were quick to teach me. I was molested countless times by the older kids in the neighborhood, and when I wasn't being molested I was being beat up and robbed for my stuff. I used to let kids just take off with my stuff because I knew I really had no choice. Around that time I started having night terrors. Terrible, demonic dreams that left me paralyzed with fear in my bed. I would wake up screaming nearly every night from the time I was 6 until I was around 11. CPS came to my house because the neighbors thought someone was beating me. I became a very fearful, unhappy, angry child. I was exposed to way too much way too early and it made me insecure and ashamed. I started hating school, and getting into trouble. In 4th grade I was expelled from a Christian school my mother had put me in. I remember starting 3rd grade at that place. That's when I first hated school and felt a deep rejection by everyone around me. My first impression of "Christians" was not one of love. I know when I think back that the Lord was with me. At 6 months my mother was walking down the stairs with me in her arms. She tells me she doesn't understand why she fell. She had a sensation like she was being pushed. Anyway, we both fell down the stairs, my moms ankle bone broke and came out of her skin. I didn't have a mark on me. When I was 5 I almost lost my life in a car accident, when I went flying head first towards the front wind shield from the back seat. My mom caught me by my leg or I would have went through it. At age 9 I was at the lake with some friends. One of them drifted out too far and started drowning. So I reached for him and he panicked and pushed me into the deep water and I remember being under the water for a long time. I didn't know how far under I was. I just knew I was gonna die. I remember thinking "Jesus!! Jesus!! Jesus!!" And the third time I called on his name I felt my left hand grab something. It was a branch that was hanging into the water from a nearby tree. I pulled myself up with it and it kept me from drowning. I truly believe that was divine intervention from the Lord! At 14 I climbed a bridge over a lake that was a train track. I was right in the middle of the bridge when I heard the train horn. I was too scared to jump and too far to run back where I came so I froze. I leaned against the small wire fence that bordered the tracks and the train passed inches from my body. I was with a friend and I remember her yelling for me to duck, and I look and a huge metal wire was hanging out from one of the boxcars and it nearly cut our heads off. In junior high I was a nobody at school and home. I would make people laugh all the time and act like a fool when I was dying inside. I went to church but I didn't know the Lord. I saw a lot of hypocrisy and was even treated bad at church so I quit going. One day at school this really popular chick started in on me. She was pretty much punking me. I was used to that whole situation. But something different happened inside me. The more she talked and the more kids that gathered, the more angry I got. I was so tired of being me. I didn't care what happened anymore. She pushed me and I lost it. All those years of humiliation had gotten to me. I beat her down. And that was the beginning of the change. I remember walking into class after it was over and my whole body was shaking. People's jaws were to the floor. Like "Did Dana just really do that!" Some kids laughed and was like "good job!" Now I had a new way to handle things. By 8th grade I was expelled for fighting. It became a hobby to practice. Something to invest time and effort into. I was good at it and it made me somebody (I thought) . My friends changed, I started messing with gangs and drugs. It got pretty bad we moved to a new city after the gang unit had come to my house asking my mom questions because of some violent acts that had happened. I ran away all the time. Went from place to place, just worried about my "homies", didn't care about my family anymore. I felt they didn't understand me and didn't accept me. I spent my loyalty on the wrong people, the wrong causes. At 15 I went to my first keg party and was raped there while my "home girl" sat in the next room with some dude she just met. I know she heard me yelling. Years later I found out that guy and his homies had a bet going as to who could get the most virgins. Last I heard he was on the run for doing the same thing to a 14 year old girl. At 15 I was also put in a mental hospital after I had swallowed a bottle of pills and went and got into a brawl right after. I was on medication for years. All I did was mix it with street drugs and it made me more numb and heartless than before. I remember one time I laid in my home girls bed for 2 days convulsing and hyperventilating from an overdose and I refused to let them call an ambulance. At 16 a rival attempted to stab me with so much force that it would have gutted me like a fish, but the Lord made my reflexes quick, despite me being sloppy drunk and I walked away with a small cut, and a torn shirt. When I was 18 I met my sons dad. My first love. I fell way too fast and thought he did too. 3 months later I was pregnant. I spent my pregnancy miserable and desperate. I would cry myself to sleep because he would stay out all night with his people. When he would come home we would box and we gave each other many black eyes and bloody noses. I remember tracking him down at a friends. I was 6 months pregnant running up on carloads of people just swinging on my man out of sheer pain. I was so co-dependent it was crazy. I wouldn't let him go for nothing. During one of our fights the cops came. And they told me to let him leave. I went crazy and caught a case for assault on a peace officer and went to jail. So there I was, with a newborn baby, doing AWP because I couldn't spend time in jail as a new mother. I would leave him hundreds of times in an 8 year span, but always took him back. I wanted to be loyal, I thought my love could change things, change him. But I only enabled him to keep living crazy. I supported his drug habit. Then formed my own. We lived on welfare for years. He couldn't hold a job, either could I. We were both hopeless and empty inside. I remember him holding a gun to my head one day all gone off that dope. No matter how much anyone tried to help us, we could never leave our mentality behind and look higher. I remember seeking the Lord a few times during those years. I heard the Lord urging me to leave him. I knew as long as I stayed I would never submit my life to God fully. Everyone around me would tell me that the man I gave my heart to didn't love me. I would lash out at them and then cut everyone off who was bold enough to speak on what they saw going on. I was put in the mental hospital again, (diagnosed with homicidal tendencies) this time I committed myself after I had beat a friend up and stabbed her in the face. I was heavily addicted to pain pills (vicodin and morphine) and as long as he let me have my habit, I let him have his (meth). By now our son was older and starting to display social problems. He was in his first fight when he was 3. And he didn't know how to talk to people, because all his mommy and daddy did was cuss and yell and hit each other. I left my sons dad for about a month because of his meth use. But what's ironic is I began using meth again while we were apart. I ran into old friends. And when I was wired I didn't feel the pain so much of being alone. I started doing crazy things, I was convinced I was bi-sexual at that time. I was just confused. I was afraid of the power a man could have over me. So I thought if I just didn't deal with men then I couldn't be hurt anymore. I knew he was slanging so I called him one day to get some dope, and he came over. And he told me everything I wanted to hear. We reunited. And became heavily involved in the whole dope scene. I became very cold and ruthless to everyone, but my sons dad and I were like Bonnie and Clyde now. At first that dope made us feel so close. He quit leaving me all the time because he didn't have to live a double life anymore. He was heavily into pornography and I became involved too. So he quit cheating on me. He gave up his homies because he knew I was more "down" (deceived about the meaning of loyalty) than any of them. He knew I would die for him. I remember we were at the dope spot getting into our car one day and two guys ran up on his window and one had a gun in his waist. With no hesitation I jumped out of the car, unarmed and got in the dudes face. I was gonna have him shoot me instead of see my man get killed in front of me. That's another time I knew the Lord was with me. Because those guys didn't do anything to us. We isolated our self from regular people and hung around other addicts. We lost everything. Almost lost our son. I remember one Christmas we spent in a drug house, smoking dope with 10 other people! That was a very low time. Our family took Lino for Christmas but we weren't invited because we were straight crazy. One night I found out about him cheating on me and pulled a knife on him, when I saw the scared look on his face I turned it on myself. The betrayal was too much, I stabbed myself twice in the belly. I was hospitalized and less than a millimeter away from piercing my intestines, which would have poisoned me and killed me. A few weeks after that I remember being in a drug infested motel fighting with my man. And something evil took over him. I looked into his eyes and saw something else there. He told me "I'm gonna finish the job" (talking about how I had almost killed myself before) and he took out a knife and starting jabbing it towards me right where my belly had barely begin healing up. He then raped me at knifepoint. He was telling me when it was over he was gonna kill us both and if I screamed he would kill me now. I believed him with all my heart. I saw the murder in his eyes. I was pleading with him and nothing worked. Finally out of desperation I rammed my head into the knife. Hoping once he saw blood he would snap out of it. It worked. The side of my head dripped blood and he jumped off me and went crazy, crying saying he was sorry. Whatever had taken over him had suddenly left. But the next night it came back. And my son woke up to his father on top of his mother socking her in the face. I told him he was dreaming and to go back to sleep. Awhile before that he had witnessed his dad come at me with a hatchet. I was able to roll out of the way and he split a hole down the middle of our bed instead. I remember rolling around on the bed with Linos dad, fighting, and looking to the side to see my little boy frantically hiding the hatchet in the bathroom so we couldn't use it on each other. I will never forget the grim look on my sons face as he said "Mommy, I feel violence in my tummy." That's how a 4 year old describes discerning a spirit of murder. We finally got clean. I was done with it. I wanted out. He lasted a little while but the addiction came back. I ended up getting knocked in the face and bleeding all over the place. I ended up in the hospital ER. After that I used again. And shortly after that I left him. After 8 long years I left him for another man. My homeboy who at the time I felt was my savior. It was lust, not love. My sons dad took Lino from me for 3 months out of revenge. I drank every day for those 3 months. I lived in an apartment with no electricity. I went days without eating. But as long as I was drunk and surrounded by people I could manage. I was with the new man for about a month then it got bad. I remember pinning him against the couch just punching him over and over in the face until his nose busted and bled. I was determined to never let another man make me feel weak again. So I let him go. Got my son back. But I was a single mom for the first time and I couldn't handle it. I was a coward. So I started doing dope again and taking off for days. Leaving Lino with my mom. I began to hate men and contemplated switching to women for good. Then came the day the Lord snatched me up. I was riding the bus all over town, twacked out, going to all the homies houses, hoping to find some comfort. I was overwhelmed with grief and guilt about my son. Why couldn't I love him the right way? Why couldn't I function normally in society? Why was I so violent and hopeless and dead inside? With each place I went it got worse. I saw the same guilt and sorrow in my friends eyes. How could we help each other when we were all so lost? None of us knew the way out. So I rode the bus home in tears. Wanting to die. I was already dead inside. I walked into the house and sat down at the kitchen table. I was totally broken, tired and desperate for change. I cried out to Jesus with all my heart. I gave up trying to be in control. I didn't know how to do anything right and I needed someone to show me. So I asked God to raise me all over again like a child. I am now becoming who the Lord created me to be! I've been delivered and set free from addiction, fear, hate, and perversion. When I look in the mirror I don't hate what I see. I can be responsible now. I'm a better mother, daughter, and sister. The darkness in my soul and eyes has been replaced with his Holy Spirit. God blessed me with real homies who will pray for me to show they got my back….not do dirt. A lot of people think you gotta clean up your life before you reach for God. But I'm telling you the truth. That don't work! Jail, rehabs, shrinks, medications, they don't work you know why? Because Jesus is the one who changes us. So come to him just the way you are. Let him change you. You can stop doing certain habits or behaviors for awhile, but if your heart is still empty you will go back to it! If you want to experience the power and love of Jesus, know that you're going to heaven, and be truly satisfied ask him into your heart. If you're not sure what to say just repeat this out loud and with all your heart: Jesus, come into my heart, fill me with your spirit, make me new inside. Free me from every evil thing in my life. Teach me your ways so I can be who you created me to be. Show me who you really are. In the name of Jesus Amen. Now it's time to get to know your savior. The way we get to know Jesus closely is through his Words (The Bible), prayer and being around other people who love the Lord. And if you need a friend hit me up. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. |
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