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Gang Life: In The Words of Gang Members

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So basically i been thinking alot about life in general. im hitting my mid 20's and its scarying the shit outta me. im actually for the first time in my life being some what productive and working twords a goal. but im wondering is this all life has to offer. say i move away from were im at have no more connections to gangsters and the such will i ever be able to just settle down and go the straight and narrow. im starting to think ill never be able to just be an average guy no matter how much i want it, its just not who i am anymore.

the drama of living the life i have has really done something to my sence of reality to were i think fighting, shootings, and deaths are the norm and other peoples lives that are just school and work sound strange to me. i mean i come on here talking this and that, that i hate my situation and i want out and im tired of watching my back and losing friends. but in some sick way i dont think i could live without that type of shit going on around me. which presents the problem i have a choice, get my shit straight get outta my city and get involved with gangsters in cali, or stay here and have a greater chance of dieing cause i actually have established enemies. so its like im damned if i do damned if i dont cause no matter what ill always have this mentality that i do and crave trouble from time to time.

u know its like i never leave a friends house till late, late at night or never get on the main freeways untill at least after 3 cause clubs get out at 2 and ive had to many friends shot up just driving down the interstate around that time. somoetimes i hate that i do that and sometimes its the only thing that keeps me going. in some demented sick way knowing that im important enough to be killed makes me feel more important to myself. i guess i got a low self esteem. an getting older isnt helping cause im to old to be fucking around anymore.

and the thing i realized today for the first time in my life is that if i was to die, i would be missed and people would be hurt. and me being gone would really hurt the ones around me. i get pist thinking about how many times i put my life on the line without thinking of them. damn i dunno.